alcohol is the solution to most of my problems ...i have realized tht ...it eases the pain ... it really does ... i have changed ...a lot in the last 6 months .... my mother thinks i am going thru depression and she is right on that ..i really am ... but its not devastating and its not killing me or anything ... i just feel sad all the time ... well , not always ...its just at times wen a particular person talks to me n i hear her voice i feel less sad ....thats all ... bt then good things dnt last too long ...and i m back to being depressed but this blog is not abt sadness or anything ... its about alcohol and thts wat its all about ...i just feel like hurting myself at times ....phisically ... just to compare the pain ....which pain hurts more ... the one tht is there in my heart or the pain thts caused by slitting a nerve on the hand ..i just want to know .... i love the high alcohol gives me ... i think of happy times tht i have had ..the memories keep flashing right before my eyes and i feel like going back in time and reliving the moments tht made it such a beautiful memory .... i feel like talking to a particular person and making things all right again ... i want to give her all the joys in life tht she deserves only if she wud let me ...just this one time ...wen we wud forget all the bad things tht we have said to each other ... and just look at each other in the eye and smile ... it wud be so nice ....

for u ... little angel

i will follow ur shadow
till it takes me to u
i shall try much harder
and give my best to u

dnt take away wat u gave me
i have made it my own
just take it a bit slow
the end may be good , u just never know

times are hard , times are tough
no one said it wud be easy
just hang in there baby
we can make it through

i hear u cry behind me,tears roll down my back
let the candle burn for one last night before it gets all dark
waiting i shall be right here, as i know u r the one
just dont get too stoned babe n take the wrong turn

full bloom

take in the autumn sun ...
n burn down the ashes
pull out the gun now
for i cant wait no more
flowers in full bloom
bursting to life
i wait for the moment
tht's gonna be all mine.....

my daddy- the greatest

i feel a numbness inside ... the reason for its origin is still unknown ...i have discovered a rather remarkable talent that was within me but it took me all these years to finally acknowledge the fact that i am good at hurting myself emotionally ....its a rather rare talent ....i mean people do things unknowingly and then they later regret it ...but with me ...all my five senses and my sixth sense tells me that if i fall for a particular person i will get hurt ..i am bound to ...but yet i do it and later hurt myself ..its such a disgusting thing to do , but i keep repeating the same mistakes all the time...i guess i like the feeling of getting hurt ... i know it sounds very sadist but i have no other way of expressing the facts that i have to deal with on a day to day basis ...i think i have become a very negative person ... i cannot trust anyone now ...i dont get close to people that much, including my mom as i know that some day the bond will be broken as she will not be there with me all my life ...and i kind of hate it .... the only thing i see in life is that "nothing will last forever "....and its so depressing .... i sometimes want to put an end to all this misery ...but i dont know how ...i think my life was changed the day god took away my dad ....he was such a wonderful human being .. and then it had to end so abruptly ... the chain of events that took place after that ...all the treachery , the deceit , the backstabbing within the family ....i think it has made a permanent mark on my mind ...and it is due to this reason i think i fail to trust anyone and not only that i have realized that to me no one is invincible .....there is no one in this world i can't do without , even my family ....if i can live without dad i can live without anyone .... but i think dad is somewhere very nice ,, i see him in my dreams and he keeps smiling at me .... sumtimes i think i will die and go up to where he is ...there is so much peace in there ....nothing can harm him now...the asthma that he had been suffering can't make him breathless anymore ...the pain, the sorrow,nothing affects him anymore, death after all is not that bad i guess, its just a perception ..i think its an end to all the sorrow and misery there is in our lives ... actually when he was admitted in the nursing home and i saw the pain that he had to go through for all the nineteen days that he was under ventillation ...at the end of the third day i kept praying to god that may he take away my dad , i wished him death rather than watching him lie patiently and suffering the physical pain that he was going through ... i was quite relieved that he was dead then ....i coudnt bear the agony that he was going through ........ my dad always used to say that the luckiest man is he who dies without suffering . now i know what he meant ....but i miss u dad more than anything else in this life ... may u keep watching me everyday and bless me .....tell me the things u used to tell me in my dreams ...i know u will always be there for me whenver i need u ..i love u daddy ...

dreams

may u come n may u go ...

but may u not take my soul ...

closer to the shadows than the wall

fear the lord and not the hall

where are the pictures ?

lost forever in the dreams

catch them for all are in bits n pieces

THE BAND

MEMBERS -INTRODUCTION
had this idea of forming a band since 2001, but cudnt get the time or the opporunity to actually do sumthing about it until recently when i met this pool of talent called solo (it supposedly means being single but unfortunately for u guyz she is not ). once we were chatting on gtalk n the conversation drifted towards music n then we decided to form a band , the very next second solo comes up with the question " ei amra grammy jitle ki speech debo bol to ?" and then she actually typed at least a hundred words speech n it was damn funny. then we had to find other musicians . i met up with debby (of the" oh my goodness " and "how rude" fame ).she is another very taented musician who has got loads of original scores in her kitty which she is finding really difficult to get copyright protected. so all u tollywood chor music composers can contact me for new original scores ... i will show u debby's place n u can steal it from her diary n i get a 10% commission on tht.....deal?
finally my childhood frend mona (ya thts the name but u can call him mona darling )....our drummer who still hasnt bought the drum kit n its been over a month now tht our band has been formed.
so there is my band ..a 4 member band with a guitarist with a guitar , a synth player with a really expensive synth, a vocalist who is thinking of winnig the grammies without even doing a single gig n a drummer without a drum kit .

NAMING THE BAND
this is one really pathetic sad story , we still dont have a name for the band , we started off with pink doors , ppl then thought it to be gay, then came the name instant groove suggested by debby, we thought it was a rock band n not a disco, then zed's dead , n thts the last i remember .so basically we still dont have a name for our band .

JAM SESSIONS
we all had decided to jam at debby's lake market place at bompass road . on the first day me n solo went there n even without being haloo solo argued with me tht the vehicle in front of us at bompass road at a distance of about 20 feet (a HUGE TRUCK) was an alto .....then we jammed with our great drummer only sitting idle on a chair n air playing his imaginary drums.at the end of it all we went n had weed on a deserted lane .the best part was tht debby had bought pink cakes for us as our band was then named the pink doors.
next week was quite similar the only difference being mona did not join us as he was really busy plucking his pubic hair sumwhere n i had to handle "oh my goodness" n "eternally haloo solo " all by my self.
CONCLUSION
i am really not sure about my unnamed band members ,solo is busy with her boyfrend (our stepfather-but thts another long story), i m not even sure whether we actually do have a drummer or not .debby is getting nervous about the future n i m really on the verge of getting completely mad at all this .contd............

trust

i give a damn about life these days , have been bruised so many times tht i hav lost count . bob dylan rightly had said' ALL THE TRUTH IN THE WORLD ADDS UP TO ONE BIG LIE" it is so fuckin true. i mean i dnt see the slightest or vagueest of honesty or transparency in relationships . man i m sick n tired of this on going process. how many times am i going to fall for fake ppl who r just liars and fakes. i mean is there no end to it ? i m feeling lonely n sad again , well i do feel tht way from time to time . will have to listen to JIM . i think he wud be able to guide me . i feel like pukin .........