full bloom

take in the autumn sun ...
n burn down the ashes
pull out the gun now
for i cant wait no more
flowers in full bloom
bursting to life
i wait for the moment
tht's gonna be all mine.....

my daddy- the greatest

i feel a numbness inside ... the reason for its origin is still unknown ...i have discovered a rather remarkable talent that was within me but it took me all these years to finally acknowledge the fact that i am good at hurting myself emotionally ....its a rather rare talent ....i mean people do things unknowingly and then they later regret it ...but with me ...all my five senses and my sixth sense tells me that if i fall for a particular person i will get hurt ..i am bound to ...but yet i do it and later hurt myself ..its such a disgusting thing to do , but i keep repeating the same mistakes all the time...i guess i like the feeling of getting hurt ... i know it sounds very sadist but i have no other way of expressing the facts that i have to deal with on a day to day basis ...i think i have become a very negative person ... i cannot trust anyone now ...i dont get close to people that much, including my mom as i know that some day the bond will be broken as she will not be there with me all my life ...and i kind of hate it .... the only thing i see in life is that "nothing will last forever "....and its so depressing .... i sometimes want to put an end to all this misery ...but i dont know how ...i think my life was changed the day god took away my dad ....he was such a wonderful human being .. and then it had to end so abruptly ... the chain of events that took place after that ...all the treachery , the deceit , the backstabbing within the family ....i think it has made a permanent mark on my mind ...and it is due to this reason i think i fail to trust anyone and not only that i have realized that to me no one is invincible .....there is no one in this world i can't do without , even my family ....if i can live without dad i can live without anyone .... but i think dad is somewhere very nice ,, i see him in my dreams and he keeps smiling at me .... sumtimes i think i will die and go up to where he is ...there is so much peace in there ....nothing can harm him now...the asthma that he had been suffering can't make him breathless anymore ...the pain, the sorrow,nothing affects him anymore, death after all is not that bad i guess, its just a perception ..i think its an end to all the sorrow and misery there is in our lives ... actually when he was admitted in the nursing home and i saw the pain that he had to go through for all the nineteen days that he was under ventillation ...at the end of the third day i kept praying to god that may he take away my dad , i wished him death rather than watching him lie patiently and suffering the physical pain that he was going through ... i was quite relieved that he was dead then ....i coudnt bear the agony that he was going through ........ my dad always used to say that the luckiest man is he who dies without suffering . now i know what he meant ....but i miss u dad more than anything else in this life ... may u keep watching me everyday and bless me .....tell me the things u used to tell me in my dreams ...i know u will always be there for me whenver i need u ..i love u daddy ...